Mr Kitty

Alrighty. I'm back again, but not for long. Lets just say that I've been busy getting ready for a change. Which means I'm no longer working at the library and it's not because they had to let me go. There are things that I truly would like to do before I can't for one reason or another.

One of the biggest things on my 'to-do' list is to finish college. Currently all I've got is an AA, and sadly that doesn't get you squat anymore. However, I do have lots of practical experience, which may or may not come in handy. But above all else, I really want a BA and a Masters, which means going back to college.

So, I'm going back to college, full time. Starting in July. And it'll be a bit far afield for me. Way far afield. More on that later, because it's late and I'm tired and cranky. Okay. So I'm always cranky. In real life I'm probably not cranky, but online? Definitely cranky.

Anywho, I'd like to introduce you to one of my traveling companions. The above picture is of Mr Kitty, who will be going with me. He may appear in upcoming photos, or he may not. I don't really know yet. I just figured I'd introduce you, since you may be seeing him a lot. Other traveling companions will be introduced at well, and no, none of them are alive.

I think that's it for now. More later. :)

Okay, So it's been a Year!

You might have noticed that I've been missing for a year. I'm here to tell you that I'm alive, kicking... screaming... which inevitably leads to sulking in a dark corner, and not really having too much interest in writing on a blog. I figured I'd better write on this thing again before Google came along, peered at it closely and decided to remove it on principal. That'd be a fine end wouldn't it? Being scraped off the internet like gum off the bottom of a shoe? Complete with all the unknown crispy things embedded in it. Ah... crunchy.

So I suppose I might as well give you a run down on the in and out of whats been going on in my life... Don't worry. It'll be short and to the point.

~WORK~

.... ~More work~....

..... etc.....

Alright, so there were some other things that happened. More aquariums where acquired, in which more fish were placed. My room resembles the fish department at the local pet store... Except they clean their tanks more often. Books were devoured, but not as many as I'd like. Apparently my absence from my blog has rather beggared my ability to spell anything correctly. You'd be stunned how many times I've hit the Spell Checker already. You can make wild guesses if you'd like. Aside from things I've mentioned above, not too much happened. Got sick a couple of times... although I'm not sure that's a real attention grabber. Watched lots of Anime. I might even do a few reviews if I'm awake enough to do some. Most of the time I'm out cold from working. I get home and pass out. Or watch stuff I get from the library... and fall asleep watching it. Yes, I'm sure you've noticed a pattern.

As you may have surmised... I think I need some sleep. Food first, and then sleep.

~Tootles

Short and Random

I'm not exactly sure when, but Mom found a Statistics page for how many people visit a given blog. For reasons unknown to me I started paying attention to the Stats tab out of curiosity. What I find sort of odd, is that the more often I write, the less people look at the blog. Perhaps I'm frightening people. Sorry about that. It's not really the time of year to write about scary stuff. October is really the month for that, but it's been a weird last 4 months of the year, and I got horribly distracted.

..... perhaps for the next few months I shall write nothing and see what happens? By writing nothing perhaps I shall draw in more people. Everything gets drawn in backwards for me. The minute I start wondering if I should stop writing on this blog, I get a storm of interest. Weird.

Whatever you all decide to do out there I'm wishing you all a Happy New Year!

Here. I'll leave you with this.

This is Mr Blue Bear. For whatever reason he was doing yoga positions on the floor of the laundry room. Later I began to suspect that he was in actuality begging for leniency, due to the fact that Mom was going to toss him into the washing machine. She tossed him in anyway, and then she strung him up outside by the ears with a pair of clothes pins to dry. See full story here.

Note to Self: Do not get so dirty that Mom throws you into the washing machine.

Happy New Year!

Locked Doors

These last few months have been a veritable roller coaster. Or maybe that should be several roller coasters and so far, none of them have been terribly enjoyable. We've had two deaths in the family. One we were all expecting, and the other was a shock. A total frying pan to the side of the head. Another change has to do with a promotion at work, which erupted rather suddenly. Generally speaking, I'm fairly good at riding these things out; duck the jaw smashers that you can, and roll with the sneaky ass punches that you never see coming. I've become quite good at gathering my feet beneath me after a particularly bad blow, although standing without weaving isn't always possible. Lately, weaving and wobbling has become a norm. Life has more resembled a long line of frying pan wielding psychopaths, dealing mind numbing blows, than one bordered by flowers, singing birds and vast green fields. I suspect everyone gets to this area in their life where everything experienced it uncomfortably inhabited by dark shadows and a distinct lack of clarity.

I find myself wobbling in the doorway of a new job. A full time job. While I should be happy about this, it comes with several price tags. One of which is the job I will soon be inhabiting, is because a good friend is leaving the position and moving on. Which is great for her, and I really do wish her all the best (and yes, I will come loom ... visit you) I'm not sure what I see beyond the doorway is something I can handle. There is also the uncomfortable feeling that if I step through... actually I should say WHEN I step inside the doorway, the door will slam shut and lock. No going back, even though I was told that if I really hate it, I could go back. Seriously though, there IS no going back. Going back to your first home? Visiting the old neighborhood? Running into old friends and enemies? Not fun. Not for me at least. Too many memories good and bad. The bad make me want to curl up in a ball and roll myself into a dusty corner until I forget why I'm there. Good memories that make me want to do the same thing because those days are gone.

I guess what this really comes down to is fear. A fear of being trapped in a job I'm not sure I'll be good at. Fear that I'll screw up badly when everyone is confident that I'll do a great job. Fear that I'll become complacent and will settle for a job that I'm comfortable with, but will never grow as a person in. Fear that I will lose the courage to follow my dreams, because I have doubts that the dream is something I want and more a need for escape. Fear that when I'm in my last days that I'll look back at the here and now, and regret the decisions I made in the moment. Fear of things left undone. And lastly a fear that the reason all of this is weighing so heavily on me, is the fear that I am not who I think I am. I know we all have these fears, but sometimes they are much more real and threatening. The loss of the familiar, the loss of the people that keep your keel even; the self doubt and all the 'what ifs' and 'I can't's"add such vibrant colored outlines to the shadows we create for ourselves.

There is a children's book, "The Little Engine That Could" attributed to Watty Piper, but is actually older in origin. When I was a kid, I really didn't understand all the aspects of this book, because I was a kid. To me the book was cool because the underdog won, and I was always the underdog. At that age I hadn't experienced enough to fully understand that self-confidence is sometimes all you need in order to get an insurmountable task done. Because many of these mountains are actually mole hills, but appear larger due to two words. "I Can't". It wasn't until years later, when I had occasion to meet someone I now consider an extremely good friend (he may think differently. He's an interesting character.), who basically would calmly listen to me blither on for hours (possibly days) about why I couldn't do something. Then he would quietly (not always) suggest that perhaps I was so wrapped up with my excuses that I hadn't actually considered the -fact- that I was indeed capable and able in whatever it was I was back peddling on. I just had placed a convenient life roadblock in my own way out of habit. It's called,"I can't." The instant you think that, you really can't. Because your focus has shifted from the fear of something new, to all the ways you can avoid dealing with that fear. You've just hobbled yourself, and most people never step out of their hobbles under their own power. "I can't" enables them to remain as they are. Whatever that static position might be. Until of course they're pitched into something head first by other people. Then its panic attack time, or they find that they actually can do it. I will always be grateful to him for making me see things for what they were.

The words, "I can." come with their own set of responsibilities. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Sometimes it's best to let things go, for the good of yourself and for the good of those around you. In my case, it's more that I need to rediscover my ability to enable those words for myself. Those around me will survive without me. I've been in a comfortable place with my current position for so long, that I almost stopped where I was. Almost, because I was still going to school to complete an AA/AS and ultimately move on with my goals, but on a whole... I was slowing down. Immersing myself in my job, in the people, in my friends... rooting myself. Which I will not allow completely, because I'm not done with what I want to do, and unfortunately that means I can't set down roots yet. A lot of my confusion and 'I can't' comes from uprooting myself. Its necessary if I want to keep going, but I can't say I like it. Leaving familiar territory is definitely not comfortable for me. I don't deal with change well. When I was little, Mom would rearrange the living room, and I'd pitch a total fit of hysteria. As an adult, I still get emotionally distraught, but I keep the majority of it to myself. Hopefully.

So, although I'm on something of an emotional tilt, and am having to relearn how to deal with self-doubt and 'I can't' I'm going to step through the door which I fear will lock behind me. But that's alright, because I can always fashion a key, break a window, or just kick the door down. It'll still be scary at first. I'll be going in wobbling, but armed with the memories of a little locomotive, and a good friend whose spirit still pokes me in the forehead when I waver over an issue saying,

"Try. All you can do is fail, and that's not so bad."

*pause*

"Unless you're a bomb disposal expert. Then it will be bad."

And since it's Christmas... Here's "White Wine in the Sun" by Tim Minchin. Yes, I am on a total Tim Minchin kick. You will all have to deal. Hope you all have the Happiest of Holidays.

Just to Brighten Your Day...

Mom found Tim Minchin on YouTube one night and made me sit down and watch one of his videos, called "Inflatable You." If you're easily offended, I suggest you don't watch the video, or any of Tim's other performances. Speaking for myself though, if I manage to find him doing a concert nearby I will definitely be going.

I've never seen anyone else like him. With perhaps the exception of Victor Borga in some ways, but very much updated. Anyway, hope you got a laugh. :)

Why You Should Put a Algae Sinking Tablet in AFTER Dark...

There was the sale at the pet store today, and it was seriously busy. Apparently tropical fish were not the only item on a sale. Dog food was a hot item, and it was sort of difficult to get to the fish department. However, I was able to get myself some more fish. Last Wednesday I had decided on getting 4 more fish; 3 platy for the Hex tank, and one lone Honey Gourami to go in with the Tetra Posse and the Pepper Twins.

Everyone survived the road home and no one appeared to be ill or acting off. Although I did worry about the Honey Gourami, because she (I think it's a she) had pressed herself into a corner of the bag and was just laying there. The worry was unnecessary. She appears to be fine, and she's so damned CUTE. Honeys are supposed to be shy, but she came right out of he hiding spot after about 5 minutes and started feeling up a very confused boss Black Phantom Tetra with her little feelers. I laughed until I cried. The Tetras are totally boggled by their new tank mate, because a.) She keeps touching them and b.) She does not get intimidated when they rush her. She just turns slightly and glares as them until they go away. She's got no qualms about satisfying her curiosity. If it's something new to her, it must be felt up. Watching her set up observation of the Peppers playing in the air bubbles was another crack up. All she needed was binoculars.

I'm beginning to grow quite attached to fish with labyrinth systems. They're like having tiny aquatic dogs. Little Blue is the same way. Curious about everything, and not easily intimidated.

The Platy are tough little bastards and can probably weather just about anything within reason. Don't get me wrong; I like the Platy or I wouldn't keep getting them, but they can be mean little cusses, especially when figuring out a pecking order. Porky now has five girls, but he only seems to be interested in the Red Tuxedos... which makes me scratch my head a bit. He's not Tuxedo... and he's not a Sunburst either (he's a Sunset Wagtail), so I figured he'd like the other colors too, but he's definitely got a preference. He loves the Red Tux Platy; is indifferent to the Sunbursts, and still absolutely despises Wednesday the Red Wag Platy. She's small though, so maybe he sees her as food competition for his more mature girls. Honestly I have no idea. Personally I think Wednesday is lovely with her dark red body, black fines and yellow eyes. She may get some leeway with so many other ladies in the tank though. We shall see where everyone is in the pecking order once it settles down. I may have to take one back... it appears a little crowded in there.

Remember how I said it was impossible to get pictures of the Platy because they never hold still? Well, I got to thinking about how I've managed to take some really good pictures of other things that never hold still, such as squirrels, birds, and extremely frightened deer. I've found that putting out some food will do wonders for getting them to hold relatively still, so I decided to see what would happen if I dropped a sinking algae tablet in for the Corys while the light was still on. I know how much Platy like those things.... So, THIS is what happens when you put a sinking tablet into a tank full of fish that all love algae. Everyone dives for the algae tab at once. It's that little green rock there in the corner. Porky of course has his mouth ON the food. Right above him are the Red Tuxedos, and one Speckled Sunburst, and a plain Sunburst above her. Golden-eye the Julii Cory has actually be shoved aside by the Platy, and the little Bronze doesn't even TRY to get into the crush. Up on the right is Wednesday. Not her best photo, but that's the best I can do.

This also shows why feeding an algae tab with the lights on means that the Corys get no food. Later on tonight I will drop a whole algae tab in the Hex tank for the Corys, and the Platy will finish off whatever it left in the morning. In the 6 Gallon, the Peppers get half a tab, because there are just the two, and they're so laid back that they let the Tetras chase them away from the tab even though the Tetras don't eat it. They try, but they lack the mouth do any damage to it. The Honey might be able to dig into it though, although I'm not sure she'll be active when the lights are off. I know Little Blue sleeps when I turn off the lights and is mighty cranky about being woken up. Full Betta display goes into action and he rushes the front of the tank. Ruffles quite a bit, then grumps back to his sleeping spot.

So, that's my fish update for today. Maybe I'll do a post about water changes next... yes, won't that be exciting! In all honesty, probably not. Anywho, I'm off to watch some Anime, which will be followed closely be sleeping. I hope.

The Sandman and I have not been on good terms lately.

December Crossroads

The last 6 months have brought about some changes. On the blog, most notably, I've become rather obsessed with aquariums. Honestly, I had no idea I'd like keeping fish this much. Instead of just having one small fish tank, which is all I originally wanted, I now have three tanks, that all combined house a total of 16 fish. ... And given that I'm somewhat insane when fish are involved, I'm going to take advantage of the local pet store's fish sale this weekend and acquire 3 more Platy for the Hex Tank, and one small Gourami for the 6 gallon tank. The Gourami is a maybe keeper. It may not work out, and I may have to take it back. We shall see how things go.

The sale was revealed to me when I went into the pet store to get the Hex Tank water tested. I've got test stuff at home, but I always like to get a second opinion. There is always the possibility that I'm doing the tests wrong. They were fairly busy when I went in, so I cruised the tanks, and asked about Catfish for the Hex Tank. I have exactly two Corydoras Plateus in the 6 gal tank, because all the others died, or became seriously ill on the way home. Given my track record, I was fully prepared for these to kick off the moment I got on the road. However, they remained active and perky even after being housed in their new home. Granted it's only day two, but I am hopeful they won't end up going to the great toilet bowl in the sky. (actually I'm sort of weird in that I bury mine outside. It seemed undignified to toss them into the toilet) Anyway, the above Cats are (from left to right), a Corydoras Julii (a Julii for short), a Corydoras Aeneus (a Bronze Cory) and another Julii, except this one has gold eyes. I could be wrong but the first Julii to the left could be a Leopard Cory... it's tricky trying to tell. Patterning can vary, but you can tell by looking at their snouts. Golden-Eye has a very abruptly down turning snout, while Dark-Eye seems to have a slightly longer variation. There's also the possibility that they're a mixed result. Personally, I could care less. I just want to enjoy watching them trundle around the bottom of the Hex Tank and lead a relatively good life. That's my enjoyment. Watching the fish be ... happy, for lack of a better word.

Here's the little Julii. Some Corys have an iridescent quality to their general pattern. You can see it here on the Julii right under it's eye. The camera doesn't really do it justice. I've seen the same sheen on Hummingbirds, but not so much on fish. Feel free to correct me, if you take a look and think it's a Leopard Cory. They really are difficult to tell apart because of the black and white patterning. The neat thing about the Julii Cory is that they are active during the day. Most Cory like to nap during the day, and become much more active at night. Not so with these guys. They know it's nighttime and will go find a place to sleep until morning. If you leave their light on they'll still find a spot to sack out.

The Platy are the worst fish to try and photograph for two reasons. Either they think you're going to feed them the minute you walk up to their tank, or they see the camera, and flee for safety. The minute you move back, they come racing out,"WAIT! See? We're still here! And we're still hungry!.... but we don't like the camera." This all culminates in not being able to get a picture of them. Well... you get red blurs and that's it. The Bronze Cory is nearly as bad, but only because he NEVER STOPS MOVING. I only got this shot because I took about a billion pictures and managed to do the impossible. I got him when he paused, which generally only lasts a 1/4 of a second. Then he's off again to explore the rest of the tank. Again.

Besides the aquariums, and their inhabitants, I've had other things happen. Some I won't go into, because ... I have trouble sharing. The fact that this blog is still going at all is something of a small miracle. I hate writing about myself. Hate trying to keep diaries... Journals. I've got tons of empty journals that people give me, and I never do anything with them, because it seems pointless to me to write about my daily activities. Boring. Sooooo, boring. And given that this blog has been going for... 3 years(?) and I rarely have comments, I guess it IS boring. Despite that, I find myself back here looking at something of a crossroads. Not an unexpected crossroads, but difficult in choice and possible results. A multiple crossroad actually, with pathways stretched in several directions, and I'm unsure of which way to go. Usually when I reach one of these points in my life, I know exactly which way to go. None feel right this time. So, I'm standing there looking at the choices before me, trying to make a decision of which feels least wrong. And every once in a while, I look at paths that haven't quite reached mine.

College for one, seems close yet inaccessible. Roadblocks made of money, bad economy, and full rosters tend to get in the way. I really detest money. It really IS the root of all evil. Unfortunately, I need it, in order to go the rest of the way through college. The college I want to attend is rather far afield, but I did a lot of research and I like the programs they run for Languages. Getting there... that's going to be a total pain in the ass. It's going to involve a job I'm not entirely sure I want. Yet. I'll only be doing that for a year, but it makes me feel uncomfortable that I'm only there for a year, and then leave the position. Poof. I guess my sense of loyalty is unhappy with decisions that need to be made. ugh...

On that cheery note, I'm going to wander off into Anime land, and try to ignore the discomforting feeling of having partially wedged open opportunities before me, which I'm going to have to smash down before I get to a goal far beyond them.

And for no particular reason...

a Pumpkin.

Somehow or another, I managed to totally miss putting up a Halloween post. Actually it's not too surprising. I've had a lot on my mind.